In Case You Didn’t Know, PTSD is Brain Damage

When you experience trauma, it changes the way your brain functions

Image by Eliane Meyer from Pixabay

The other day I was thinking about how I forgave my dad before he died for all the things he did to me as a kid. To put it quite bluntly, I was abused as a child. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I have scars inside that will never heal, no matter how much “inner work” I do in therapy.

I have PTSD. PTSD is brain damage.

All those people who hurt me broke me in indescribable ways. Right now, it feels like I will never get better, no matter how hard I try. And every successive trauma just layers on, adds more scars, and makes it harder to bounce back.

And I am angry.

None of them are ever going to be punished for the things they did to me. None of them are going to fix the plight I am in now of being too incompetent to even manage a simple job.

Forgiveness? Fuck that. Forgiveness just placates your abusers.

Abuse causes permanent damage. I am never going to get better. You damaged my brain.

According to the Highland Springs Specialty Clinic,

According to recent studies, Emotional Trauma and PTSD do cause both brain and physical damage. Neuropathologists have seen overlapping effects of physical and emotional trauma upon the brain. With such an overlap it can be seen that both of these traumas have a detrimental effect upon the Amygdala, the Hippocampus and the Prefrontal cortex of the brain. Meaning that Emotional Trauma or PTSD does indeed result in brain injury/damage.

I am so tired of people expecting and hoping that somehow I am magically going to get better. But how? Some kind of brain surgery? They don’t have one yet for PTSD. They used to give people a lobotomy for mental health issues back in the 1930’s, but that didn’t actually work the way it was supposed to. In many cases, they just turned people into walking vegetables.

I’m in the process of applying for disability now for having PTSD, and it’s bringing up a lot of emotions. One of the main things I am feeling is grief. I have lost so much, the life I could have had, the person I could have been if all of this hadn’t happened to me.

And tinged with the grief and hopelessness, the finality of it all, is anger that it didn’t have to be this way.

Unlike Other Mental Illnesses, No One is Born with PTSD

How Childhood Trauma and CPTSD Effects Brain Development

I didn’t have some fatal flaw. I wasn’t born with this. It isn’t genetic, but purely environmental when you develop PTSD. In other words: Other people did this to me.

Part of me is in the anger stage of grief. As Very Well Mind puts it, some of the behaviors associated with what I am going through are:

• Being short-tempered and emotionally unstable

• Being verbally or physically aggressive

• Engaging in self-harm

• Neglecting their personal hygiene

• Using substances such as nicotine, alcohol, or drugs

I feel like I have lost so much, been hurt so badly, and something inside of me is irreparably broken. I am triggered more easily than ever. I go through bouts of crying. I can’t sleep. I was hospitalized, and they would never take me before, even when I begged ER doctors over the years to put me on a psych hold. The last time, they just gave me a Xanax and sent me home.

Maybe it is because there is more care and awareness for mental health these days, or maybe I am just doing objectively worse than I ever have before. This time, I had a 5-day inpatient stay. I felt more cared for, listened to, and heard. I left with referrals to a therapist and psychiatrist for outpatient care.

Looking for hope

In order to bounce back and find some kind of healing and peace I have worked through all of these feelings in therapy and meditation.

I have also heard that I may benefit from both Brainspotting therapy, and sound therapy. These are methods I haven’t tried before to work through my trauma, so the possibility of doing something new that may work better than what I have tried in the past is heartening.

Brainspotting is a therapy that is similar to EMDR, but instead of being therapist led, it is client led. Also, it works with where you feel sensations in the body, indicating that trauma is stuck there.

According to Very Well Mind,

Brainspotting therapy is a type of alternative therapy that uses spots in a person’s visual field to help them process trauma. It accesses trauma trapped in the subcortical brain, the area of the brain responsible for motion, consciousness, emotions, and learning.

It sounds promising, like this could be something new I could try in releasing past traumas, and coming to live more fully in the present.

Sound therapy is another alternative therapy that works with your subconscious mind to release emotions that are trapped within your body and mind.

According to the Center for Grief and Trauma Therapy:

Sound travels deep into the body, elevating cellular function and calming the nervous system. Through vibrations and audible sound, this therapeutic practice reroutes old thought patterns and creates new neural pathways. These changes to your brain enable you to encourage positive thinking, realign energy in your body, and create a path for trauma healing.

When you work to reprocess trauma, it helps so that you can feel less triggered in everyday life. This way, you can feel more calm and at peace. You can learn how to feel safe inside your own body, which can be a struggle for many of us with PTSD.

I’ve had professionals tell me that if your coping skills aren’t working, that is a sign you need to try a new coping skill. Perhaps I have found the path to learning some.

When it comes to people in your life with PTSD, I hope that this gives you some insight into what it feels like for us with this disease on the inside. If you have a loved one who suffers, take some time to read the research. Get informed. But most of all, be kind.

We didn’t choose to be this way. And we can’t choose to undo years of harm that has been done to us, no matter how much we want to. I can say affirmations all day till I am blue in the face, and it isn’t going to undo the brain damage.

Right now, I am all at once grieving, trying to heal, and trying to find a way forward in a world that makes me jump through hoops to get healthcare. Not to mention seeing the lives of the people who have hurt me, out there in the distance, with no visible consequences for the harm they (in most cases) don’t even realize they have done.

It’s easy to fall into bitterness, hopelessness, and to feel like giving up. When you spend years struggling with your mental health, that can happen. That’s why it is important to find a supportive environment for yourself, so that you have the space you need to heal, and hopefully someday, learn to thrive again despite mental health concerns.

If you are experiencing mental health issues yourself, finding a good therapist or coach can be helpful.

Nicole Dake

Therapy and Coaching

View list

If you appreciate my work, you can also Buy Me a Coffee.